Cracks

Always there, always strong for friends, always caring for them. Always, always, always.  Constantly wanting others to be happy, trying and failing to hide her emotions, wearing her heart on her sleeve. Day by day becoming hard to hide them. Cracking.
 She finds a cracks and she seals it, she closes it up so it the emotions can't get out they can't be shown to others, to the important ones she shares some and hides others. More and more they are starting to seep through. Cracking. The cracks becoming bigger, unable to hide it, unable to cap that emotion, unable to keep them under control.
 More and more wild, emotions varying more, ups and downs that would make the strongest of storms run. One moment on top of the world and the next falling through empty space never knowing when shes going to be able to stop. Cracks.
  Her friends, she thinks of her friends as she sits crying, sits alone in the dark willing herself to stop crying, begging herself to get it under control. How can she be doing this? How can these emotions be running her? How will she be there with her friends, the one they go to when they need a hug or to talk,to smile to recover from heart break to plan their next move. The one they expect to be strong for them, how are they suppose to depend on her when she can't seal the gaps, fix the bruises and hurts, filling the cracks. How can her friends depend on her when she's the one who is at her weakest unknowing what to do, not knowing where to turn who to go to, what to say other than to break. To finally let the cracks break and all the emotions out, flowing at once. Sobbing out, every single emotion running through the cracks that she was unable to keep closed. The cracks she failed to heal the ones she couldn't close together.
  Then once again she found something new, a new fill something she was able to keep the cracks closed with and she's strong again she's able to help she's herself once again and no one will know about the moment of weakness, no one will guess that she was unable to control her emotions and no one will ever know that she isn't as strong as she lets everyone believe she is. But everyone once in a while it happens again and they begin to break and then everything ends. And she Cracks.

Letting Go

Heart pounding, shallow breath, complete and utter dissapointment...feelings she feels on a regular basis. When he's around she cannot keep her heart in her chest, she cannot catch her breath as quickly as it leaves her...When he's not around, their plans fall through, she misses him so much her heart aches, it hurts to breathe, and yet again she is dissapointed, missing him, hating herself for wanting him around so badly. When he is around her world is clear, she can see things clearly, her mind isn't a mess anymore; she's able to be herself. No masks, no acts, nothing fake, just her...the real her.
 She loves the way she feels when he is around but she hates the way she feels when he is gone...her 'best friend' that's all they are, in her mind and very core they are more, in his eyes they are more but he won't admit it. He's staying with 'best friends' because it's safer than the possibilty of being hurt, more secure because he thinks he will never lose her, there's security in her relationship. But with every look from him her knees become weaker, every touch sends her body buzzing, every hug she wants more than friendship, she hungers for more than this. "I love you...you are like my world" he says. Those words penetrate her heart so deeply he has no knowing of the damage he has just done. Does he care? No, he doesn't because she's staying put due to the fact that she's is 'best friend'. He blows her off, puts their plans on the back burner...she thinks to herself 'He believes because I'm his best friend that he can act like this...let's see how long I stick around."
 She tells herself that she's leaving next time it happens, that next time it doesn't matter how much she loves him she's leaving and not looking back. Not turning around when he calls after her and not looking back and wanting to help him fix things like she normally does she's done. She is leaving and that's that. In reality, in her heart she knows that she won't she knows that she won't let him go. She knows that she can't bear to leave even if staying destroys her because leave and Letting Go would kill her.

Losing It

Emotions, out of control. Unable to contain anything, unable to hide anything, unable to hold herself together, unable to maintain perfection. Mentally she screams as she feels like she's losing her grip on reality, out of control wanting nothing more than the silence of forever but afraid to be alone, afraid to be with herself for any period of time. Hating herself more and more each day because of the monster she feels she is unable to stop herself from becoming.
  Day to day life becomes difficult for her to handle, the smallest of things become practically unbearable. The people around her,the people who love her, she pushes them away, trying to save them from the monster she's becoming. Pushing them away with no avail, only hurting herself, leaving herself bleeding, hurting and devestatingly alone. She knows sooner or later that she will achieve her goal: saving everyone from her...even if she destroys herself trying.
 Alone, alone in her mind, where she has nothing but time, she escapes into a world where everything is perfect, or as close to perfect as she can get. Things are how they used to be, smiling and warm the sun shinning not dreary and cloudy all the time. Her mind, gone from bright and cheery to nothing but dark and anger, despite trying to fix things, she runs out of reasons so smile, she looks around and she sees one million reasons to smile but it takes her too much energy, too much energy to really smile let alone fake a smile to please everyone. Finally she comes to a realization, it's going. Her light, the light from her very being it's going dim and it's going out. And then suddenly she realizes something....she's Losing It

Her World.

Pain. Her hands shaking, unable to stop the insisent shaking, unable to get enough breath. Shallow, small, unsatisfying breaths was all she was able to muster. Darkness closed in all around her, she feared the darkness. Not because of what learked in the physical darkness but because once the darkness closed in her dreams would come, dreams of them. The two of them on better time with one another, when they were all each other needed, when he was her oxygen, when he was keeping her world and all its stars in orbit, when she smile it was a real smile and when she felt like, even through the winter the sun was shinning on them, warming them, keeping them strong. Until one day, he sat her down and told her she wasn't what he wanted anymore, he had found someone else, he didn't want to lead her on anymore but he loved another. She lay there, alone in bed, in the dark, longing to have him next to her to comfort her to tell her everything was going to be okay, to hear those words she lived to hear: "I will always love you". She thought of those words and it brought a smile to her face, it made her think of all the love she had experienced, enjoyed and breathed in while he kept her world spinning. As she lay there thinking of those time the darkness was winning, closing in getting stronger and stronger, seducing her eyelids to flutter shut and give into her dreams. Just was she was falling into her dreams, she gave in, wanting to see them, wanting to relive them and act like nothing had happened, nothing had changed and that everything was still amazing and she was in one long bad dream she couldn't wake up from. The darkness laughing at her, rejoicing in the fact that it had won, it had sucked her in and there was no way for her to escape now. She knew the darkness had won, she knew that she had been weak and let it in, she had let the darkness take her over, in her mind she wanted it to win, she had wanted to see the dreams and she had wanted to relive everything in the vivid detail the darkness offered, but she finally gave herself over to the darkness, letting it win in a single tear, flowing slowly down her face as she fell into the ever enticing darkness.

Darkness Falls

Darkness. It was all around her, she could see nothing but black yet all noise was amplified. She could hear the muffled sounds of what seemed like someone attempting to scream and the sound of someone’s heavy breathing. The Heavy Breather was getting closer to her; she struggled against breaking down sobbing. She wasn’t gagged, but she was blindfolded and her legs were tied together halfway up keeping her knees together and judging by the pain she was assuming she had a broken arm and possibly a rib or two. They were getting closer, she could feel their footsteps when suddenly they stopped, she was hoping they changed their mind and turned away but she was wrong. Dead Wrong.



“Aubrey.” She jumped at the sound of her own name, the voice sounded so familiar, rough and terrifying but at the same time as he continued to speak pictures of a boy looking at her, holding her, and being with her. He looked so safe even though the voice did not. “Aubrey, are you alright?”


“Y-yes, I am alright, I suppose I think my arm is broken though.” She spoke just above a whisper.


“I think it is too.” Her mystery man spoke again.


“How do you know?” She asked, afraid to know the answer. Was he the one who was next to her trying to scream or was he the one who was breathing to heavily before?


“I can see it, I’m not blindfolded,” he paused for a moment and then continued. “It’s all swollen and black and blue. It should heal soon but you need to have it set.”


“Right, I’ll get on that ASAP.” she could feel the sarcasm leaking out of her tone.


“Oh, tisk, tisk Aubrey, such tones aren’t meant for being used right now.” He sounded angry, suddenly a pair of big soft hands where around her waist. “Here, let me set it for you now.”


She wanted to scream but her breath was stolen from her before she could breathe in. Just as soon as she was up and being carried she was slammed down onto a hard table, all she could do was let out a small whimper.


“You really shouldn’t use that tone with people Aubrey, it isn’t very nice and it can send some people over the edge, cause them to do things they will regret in the future.” He grabbed her arm and wretched it forward snapping her bone back in place causing her to scream so loud she thought her lungs would explode.


Her chest was heaving and she thought she was going to pass out from the pain when suddenly the room was filled with light and she could see a figure coming into focus. “You.” The face that came was the boy in her mental snapshots, the face that matched the voice.


“I told you, not to use that tone with people anymore Aubrey, it isn’t very nice and can send some people over the edge.” He said as he turned around to grab something that had been gleaming on another table next to her head.


“Aaron.” The name that matched the voice and face finally came to her. She said it barely above a whisper but it still caused a smile that made her sick to spread across her face.


“I wanted to hear you say that once more.” He said as he turned away.


“Once more before what?” she was afraid to ask the question and as soon as it escaped her lips she regretted it.


“This.” He turned toward her with a swiftness she didn’t think was possible, when darkness fell

One Final Push

  That one final push, that's all it took. She said it once more, yelled at him to leave that she wasnt what he wanted, through her tears and yelling and screaming for him to go; finally he gave up fighting, if this was what she really wanted he would give it to her. He turned his back, walking away from her and her tears and cries that went straight to his heart, he kept walking not looking back.
  He was out the door and when she realized what she had just done. She had gotten her way. Right? Always telling him to go, to leave her because she wasn't for him, he had walked out the door and she had finally gotten what she had wished, wanted, and screamed for. He was gone. It hit her like a train, or a ton of bricks, right in the chest, she had done it. She drove him away, and this time he wasn't coming back it all rushed in every single detail of all they had ever had: the laughs and love, the memories that would be forever ingrained into her mind never leaving her, the memories were all she had left of him, she wouldn't push those away...she couldn't.
  All it took was that one last push for everything to happen. The tears, pain, and crushing emptiness. It hurt to breathe, she lowered herself to the floor tried to calm herself to make herself breathe all while telling herself this wasnt the last time, she had just one more chance and he would come back later and they would make everything better like they always did. Her head saying it was going to be alright and that she was going to be able to breathe again and the aching, empty pain she was feeling would go away, but in her heart she knew...she was done. She had no more chances, he was gone because he hadn't looked back, he always looked back, but this time was different. He kissed her forehead and held her for a short time as she cried but soon let go of her, walking away not turning back, not looking back and handing her back the heart that once belonged to him, he had held it until that one fatal blow when he let go; turning away and never coming back.
 Not looking back as he accepted his one final push.