Letting Go

Heart pounding, shallow breath, complete and utter dissapointment...feelings she feels on a regular basis. When he's around she cannot keep her heart in her chest, she cannot catch her breath as quickly as it leaves her...When he's not around, their plans fall through, she misses him so much her heart aches, it hurts to breathe, and yet again she is dissapointed, missing him, hating herself for wanting him around so badly. When he is around her world is clear, she can see things clearly, her mind isn't a mess anymore; she's able to be herself. No masks, no acts, nothing fake, just her...the real her.
 She loves the way she feels when he is around but she hates the way she feels when he is gone...her 'best friend' that's all they are, in her mind and very core they are more, in his eyes they are more but he won't admit it. He's staying with 'best friends' because it's safer than the possibilty of being hurt, more secure because he thinks he will never lose her, there's security in her relationship. But with every look from him her knees become weaker, every touch sends her body buzzing, every hug she wants more than friendship, she hungers for more than this. "I love you...you are like my world" he says. Those words penetrate her heart so deeply he has no knowing of the damage he has just done. Does he care? No, he doesn't because she's staying put due to the fact that she's is 'best friend'. He blows her off, puts their plans on the back burner...she thinks to herself 'He believes because I'm his best friend that he can act like this...let's see how long I stick around."
 She tells herself that she's leaving next time it happens, that next time it doesn't matter how much she loves him she's leaving and not looking back. Not turning around when he calls after her and not looking back and wanting to help him fix things like she normally does she's done. She is leaving and that's that. In reality, in her heart she knows that she won't she knows that she won't let him go. She knows that she can't bear to leave even if staying destroys her because leave and Letting Go would kill her.

Losing It

Emotions, out of control. Unable to contain anything, unable to hide anything, unable to hold herself together, unable to maintain perfection. Mentally she screams as she feels like she's losing her grip on reality, out of control wanting nothing more than the silence of forever but afraid to be alone, afraid to be with herself for any period of time. Hating herself more and more each day because of the monster she feels she is unable to stop herself from becoming.
  Day to day life becomes difficult for her to handle, the smallest of things become practically unbearable. The people around her,the people who love her, she pushes them away, trying to save them from the monster she's becoming. Pushing them away with no avail, only hurting herself, leaving herself bleeding, hurting and devestatingly alone. She knows sooner or later that she will achieve her goal: saving everyone from her...even if she destroys herself trying.
 Alone, alone in her mind, where she has nothing but time, she escapes into a world where everything is perfect, or as close to perfect as she can get. Things are how they used to be, smiling and warm the sun shinning not dreary and cloudy all the time. Her mind, gone from bright and cheery to nothing but dark and anger, despite trying to fix things, she runs out of reasons so smile, she looks around and she sees one million reasons to smile but it takes her too much energy, too much energy to really smile let alone fake a smile to please everyone. Finally she comes to a realization, it's going. Her light, the light from her very being it's going dim and it's going out. And then suddenly she realizes something....she's Losing It