Letting Go

Heart pounding, shallow breath, complete and utter dissapointment...feelings she feels on a regular basis. When he's around she cannot keep her heart in her chest, she cannot catch her breath as quickly as it leaves her...When he's not around, their plans fall through, she misses him so much her heart aches, it hurts to breathe, and yet again she is dissapointed, missing him, hating herself for wanting him around so badly. When he is around her world is clear, she can see things clearly, her mind isn't a mess anymore; she's able to be herself. No masks, no acts, nothing fake, just her...the real her.
 She loves the way she feels when he is around but she hates the way she feels when he is gone...her 'best friend' that's all they are, in her mind and very core they are more, in his eyes they are more but he won't admit it. He's staying with 'best friends' because it's safer than the possibilty of being hurt, more secure because he thinks he will never lose her, there's security in her relationship. But with every look from him her knees become weaker, every touch sends her body buzzing, every hug she wants more than friendship, she hungers for more than this. "I love you...you are like my world" he says. Those words penetrate her heart so deeply he has no knowing of the damage he has just done. Does he care? No, he doesn't because she's staying put due to the fact that she's is 'best friend'. He blows her off, puts their plans on the back burner...she thinks to herself 'He believes because I'm his best friend that he can act like this...let's see how long I stick around."
 She tells herself that she's leaving next time it happens, that next time it doesn't matter how much she loves him she's leaving and not looking back. Not turning around when he calls after her and not looking back and wanting to help him fix things like she normally does she's done. She is leaving and that's that. In reality, in her heart she knows that she won't she knows that she won't let him go. She knows that she can't bear to leave even if staying destroys her because leave and Letting Go would kill her.