Letting Go

Heart pounding, shallow breath, complete and utter dissapointment...feelings she feels on a regular basis. When he's around she cannot keep her heart in her chest, she cannot catch her breath as quickly as it leaves her...When he's not around, their plans fall through, she misses him so much her heart aches, it hurts to breathe, and yet again she is dissapointed, missing him, hating herself for wanting him around so badly. When he is around her world is clear, she can see things clearly, her mind isn't a mess anymore; she's able to be herself. No masks, no acts, nothing fake, just her...the real her.
 She loves the way she feels when he is around but she hates the way she feels when he is gone...her 'best friend' that's all they are, in her mind and very core they are more, in his eyes they are more but he won't admit it. He's staying with 'best friends' because it's safer than the possibilty of being hurt, more secure because he thinks he will never lose her, there's security in her relationship. But with every look from him her knees become weaker, every touch sends her body buzzing, every hug she wants more than friendship, she hungers for more than this. "I love you...you are like my world" he says. Those words penetrate her heart so deeply he has no knowing of the damage he has just done. Does he care? No, he doesn't because she's staying put due to the fact that she's is 'best friend'. He blows her off, puts their plans on the back burner...she thinks to herself 'He believes because I'm his best friend that he can act like this...let's see how long I stick around."
 She tells herself that she's leaving next time it happens, that next time it doesn't matter how much she loves him she's leaving and not looking back. Not turning around when he calls after her and not looking back and wanting to help him fix things like she normally does she's done. She is leaving and that's that. In reality, in her heart she knows that she won't she knows that she won't let him go. She knows that she can't bear to leave even if staying destroys her because leave and Letting Go would kill her.

One Final Push

  That one final push, that's all it took. She said it once more, yelled at him to leave that she wasnt what he wanted, through her tears and yelling and screaming for him to go; finally he gave up fighting, if this was what she really wanted he would give it to her. He turned his back, walking away from her and her tears and cries that went straight to his heart, he kept walking not looking back.
  He was out the door and when she realized what she had just done. She had gotten her way. Right? Always telling him to go, to leave her because she wasn't for him, he had walked out the door and she had finally gotten what she had wished, wanted, and screamed for. He was gone. It hit her like a train, or a ton of bricks, right in the chest, she had done it. She drove him away, and this time he wasn't coming back it all rushed in every single detail of all they had ever had: the laughs and love, the memories that would be forever ingrained into her mind never leaving her, the memories were all she had left of him, she wouldn't push those away...she couldn't.
  All it took was that one last push for everything to happen. The tears, pain, and crushing emptiness. It hurt to breathe, she lowered herself to the floor tried to calm herself to make herself breathe all while telling herself this wasnt the last time, she had just one more chance and he would come back later and they would make everything better like they always did. Her head saying it was going to be alright and that she was going to be able to breathe again and the aching, empty pain she was feeling would go away, but in her heart she knew...she was done. She had no more chances, he was gone because he hadn't looked back, he always looked back, but this time was different. He kissed her forehead and held her for a short time as she cried but soon let go of her, walking away not turning back, not looking back and handing her back the heart that once belonged to him, he had held it until that one fatal blow when he let go; turning away and never coming back.
 Not looking back as he accepted his one final push.